How To Be An 'Ordinary, Decent' Muslim

With John Reids telling Muslim parents that they have to look out for "tell-tale" signs in their children's behaviour and confront them or "risk losing them forever" I have extracted this funny article, written by Urmee Khan in the The Guardian, Published: August 31, 2006.

This is check-list of things to avoid if the muslim community want to be seen as "ordinary, decent Muslims"

1: Don't wear a big coatTerribly bad things, big coats.
Palestinian suicide bombers during the intifada often wore unseasonal overcoats to hide their explosives. This has led to sartorial choices being forced on Muslims everywhere, and is a particular inconvenience in Britain, as in most English northern towns the sight of a grumpy-faced Muslim elder, fiercely wrapped up in a parka against the ravages of a perfectly mild day, is a very common sight.

In the aftermath of 7/7, the police asked the public to look out for people wearing unseasonal clothes. (The bombers were wearing jackets, and it was July, although not a particularly hot day - I myself remember wearing a jacket on July 7.) It would now take a Muslim from the lowest remedial class in the mosque to say to themselves any morning this summer that "things are a bit parky today". The prohibition on big coats is so powerful that Scotland Yard's elite firearms unit let it be thought, after they had shot dead (the not-very-Muslim-looking) Jean Charles de Menezes, that he had been wearing a big coat. He hadn't, of course, so this otherwise cast-iron reason for shooting a chap in the head collapsed.

2: Don't go on holiday to Pakistan
What's the mantra that comes out whenever the police arrest someone for terrorist offences, the clinching final demonstration that, like the Mounties, they've got their man? "Thought to have spent time in Pakistan." That's how we know Siddique Khan and Shehzad Tanweer were the ringleaders in 7/7 - they had "spent time in Pakistan". The problem is, spending time in Pakistan is what thousands of British Muslims do every year; it's the equivalent of white Britons trooping off to see old aunt Beryl in Bournemouth. It's a bit peculiar; going on holiday to see relatives in, say, Iran or Syria or North Korea won't raise the same eyebrows. It's Pakistan - where three-quarters of a million of British Asians have relatives - that signals you have been training in jihad. So, Muslims - holidaying in Pakistan? Do yourselves a favour and don't bring your holiday snaps into the office.

3: Don't have a beard
The beard is top of the "Watch out! Muslims about!" charts. We're not talking about designer stubble or a George Clooney five o'clock shadow - we mean scary Bin Laden bumper bum fluff. Think of those two Forest Gate lads. Yes, those two big bushy beards. The beard is not an essential Islamic feature, yet any Muslim sporting one is instantly seen as a radical. And so, brothers (and a few sisters), get your razor out and shave it off!

4: Don't join groups or clubs
Somewhere there is a dusty office in Whitehall whose function it is to ban organisations (which are always labelled as being "proscribed"). The room is probably full of mildewed, dusty files about Northern Ireland's paramilitary groups, and there is no doubt a faded map of Belfast peeling from the wall. But now the dust has been blown off, because there is a use for the office again.

A couple of months ago, two organisations - al-Ghurabaa and the Saved Sect - were banned in the UK. Now maybe that is right. These were the kinds of groups which, in my university days, used to hang around by themselves having beard-growing competitions, and never seemed to have any female friends. Their views on Jewish people, in particular, made my eyes water. But it cannot have escaped too many people's attention that while some merchants of hate get a good hard banning, others are free to wander the length and breadth of the country, like troubadours of bile. For example, the leader of one such crazed sect, the BNP, who says that, "There is no such thing as a moderate Muslim." If you are a barking mad, dangerous extremist, in a group prepared to countenance violence to get their way, then you better make sure that you are white. For Muslims, this is a no-no. So, to be a fully accredited ordinary, decent Muslim, you should join only the Scouts, the Brownies or - if force is your thing - the British army.

5: Don't wear the veil
The veil: up until the declaration of the "war on terror", when guns, bombs and bottles of Lucozade took over, it was the hijab which, to many white westerners, was the symbol of being Muslim. It meant oppression - but with a vaguely sexual undertone. Whole BBC2 documentaries were made about it. But now, never mind that veils are a great way of repelling lechers and economising on lipstick, they symbolise either a) a militant female jihadist or b) a male bomber in disguise. (Mind you, John Simpson in a burkha wasn't exactly convincing.)

Most Muslims feel hard done by - nobody tells Catholic kids to take off their crucifixes, or Sikhs their turbans. In fact, Sikhs don't even have to wear a motorbike helmet because of the turban! But it is becoming difficult to justify the clobber we don. When the BBC asked some Muslims about this, a woman called Salikah from London said that, as a Muslim woman, "and visibly so because of my hijab", she had found people avoiding sitting next to her on the tube. "I've thus resorted to standing to try and avoid any tense atmosphere, reading books such as Harry Potter, and wearing my Make Poverty History band," she said. So there you go - chuck out your salwar kameez and headscarves/jilbabs/veils, and dress like them next door - as long as they are not also "ethnics".

6: Don't live in High Wycombe/ Luton/ Beeston/ Walthamstow
Up until a couple of weeks ago, High Wycombe had a happily glum existence as one of Britain's many crap towns. But now, since several terror suspects were arrested there, it is vying for entry to the newly forming premier league of terrorist breeding grounds, along with Beeston, Luton and Walthamstow. Bad news for Muslims from those areas. I would advise packing up shop and going to live in, say, Lyme Regis, Wales or Cambridge. These days, it is perhaps best to live in an "integrated" way, as far away as possible from your family and friends.

7: Don't be apathetic
A funny one this - many Muslims make the mistake of thinking that what mainstream Britain wants from us is apathy, a withdrawal from presumptuous political comment, a retreat to the days of corner-shopkeeping and waggling our heads as we talk. But no, this is denial. My 13-year-old brother is more interested in the World Wrestling Federation than global jihad. But in a few years' time, his non-Muslim fellow citizens are going to start expecting some more cogent opinions from him on subjects other than muscular men in underpants. There seems to be a growing expectation that any vaguely coherent Muslim, certainly if they enter professional or public life, needs to take sides, make their position clear, constantly trim their views to incorporate the necessary ritual condemnation of extremists. However, it is a delicate balancing act - don't be too unapathetic, but don't, at the same time, be a community leader (see below).

8 Don't be a 'community leader'
The phrase "community leader" when used in Britain today is almost never applied to anyone who isn't a Muslim. Frequently it has "self-appointed" added to it. Almost anything can qualify; any form of elected office, of course, but even owning a business or shop on some fleetingly significant street. Being cast as a Muslim community leader is a thankless task. No other community is so replete with a similar cast of leaders, so be prepared for the calumny that will pile upon your head from those who say you are taking an insufficiently tough stance against extremism.

9: Don't be a successful sportsman/woman Or, in fact, show any sporting prowess at all.
It isn't worth it. A Muslim sports star nowadays carries a burden of representation that black athletes have long since sloughed off. To evade it, there is really only one course of action - wrap yourself in the union flag the way black stars did in the 1980s.

Amir Khan now must follow where Daley Thompson trailblazed. That said, you might still be called a "terrorist", the label applied to a South African Muslim cricketer of Asian origin, Hashim Amla, by the former Australian cricketer and (subsequently sacked) commentator, Dean Jones. Or "the son of a terrorist whore", as most believe Marco Materazzi labelled Zinedine Zidane in the World Cup final. (And you also might be labelled a "traitor" by Pakistani fans, as happened to England players Sajid Mahmood and Monty Panesar. And Monty ain't even one of us!) You also run the grave risk of falling into the old Orientalist stereotype of the haughty, touchy, slightly ridiculous Muslim martinet; think of how Prince Naseem used to be described, or the reaction to the Pakistani cricket team's behaviour last week.

10: Don't draw cartoons
Hold on, I've got that wrong - it was we who were trying to ban this after those crazy Danes drew the Prophet (may peace be upon him) in a series of offensive "comedy" depictions. But we can all get carried away.